President Denies Government Pact With Vampires. Really.

In the first annual SFT Christmas Eve vampire story, CNN is reporting that President Bakili Muluzi of the African nation of Malawi has issued an official denial that his govenment is cahoots with vampires. “No government can go about sucking (the) blood of its own people,” Muluzi said Sunday. “That’s thuggery.” Notes reporter Denis Mzembe In Blantyre, “Last week a man accused of helping vampires was stoned to death and three Roman Catholic priests were beaten up by villagers who suspected them of being bloodsuckers. Both attacks happened in the southern tea-growing district of Thyolo.” The nation of Malawi previously achieved noteriety because certain of its women were trying to routinely seduce preists, particularly at funerals, but no firm linkage establishing these women as vampires was ever established. They were, however, never observed by reporters to be cooking certain traditional ethnic dishes in their kitchens, either.

Nevertheless, amid this civil turmoil some kind of Malawi government cover-up continues to persist. “There is no truth in this. There is no such thing as blood suckers anywhere in Malawi,” said Joseph Aironi, the police inspector general. Don’t be fooled by this official government denial; bloodsuckers in Malawi do indeed exist.